Words of wisdom for this week.
“Men are not against you. They are merely for themselves.” Gene Fowler
During the past few years I have written a number of articles about invalidators. But I was considering this concept this weekend and it occurred to me that there are many people in the “middle” and I’m not referring to “middle of the road” politics here. Let me recap.
Invalidators are always saying and doing things that belittle, criticize unnecessarily or behave in ways that send the clear message that you are not important or as important or as good as they are. The talk a lot, interrupt, don’t listen and any number of other forms of expression that make others feel less than worthy. I have had more than my share of invalidators in my life so I feel I can speak with some degree of authority on the consequences of working with, living with or being around them. It can be toxic at its worst and Validators on the other hand are always giving compliments, being thoughtful and caring, show appreciation and have behaviors that say – you are special, worthy, and cared for. I’ve been fortunate to have a few validators in my life over the years and I can tell you when you have one in your life they can have a significant positive impact on your self-esteem, success and contentment.
So what are the middle of the roaders? Had a few of these in my life over the years as well. In fact I have several in my life now which is what caused me to re-consider the concept of validation.
Middle of the roaders don’t tear people down or build them up. They often seem aloof, distant and self-absorbed. They don’t give compliments, they often ignore compliments given to them as if they know it so why bother to tell them and they don’t criticize, they just don’t say or do anything. They are generally not thoughtful but often expect thoughtful and giving actions or attitudes from others.
Are these people too self-centered or narcissistic? I don’t have a clue. What I do know is that if you are a validator and are around middle of the roaders sooner or later you will tire of giving and receiving neutral or no responses from them in return. One would wonder would negative criticism be better than nothing at all. Again, I can only come from my experience and I can tell you that when you give and give, and go out of your way for others and are considerate, thoughtful, caring and validating if you get nothing back sooner or later it will have a negative impact on your desires, feelings, attitudes and ultimately your behaviors toward these people.
Having said this, those of you who have been receiving my tips for a few years know that one of my fundamental mindsets is – don’t turn your behaviors, thoughts or attitudes over to others, in other words maintain the integrity of who you are no matter who is in your life, how they behave or what they believe. This doesn’t mean to imply that you are right or they are wrong, just that if you can’t be you and you won’t let others be them, I would suggest you become a Monk living in the Himalayas.
I’ll bet you know a middle of the roader. You may even have one in your life. If you do, keep in mind that changing them and their mindsets will most likely be an exhaustive and senseless endeavor. The work that must be done is inside you to learn to live with these people and not carrying around expectations of them or needing them to give you what only you can give yourself – feelings of self-love, worthiness and self-acceptance. I know that this is not an easy task being you – the thoughtful and caring giver and never getting much in return, but look on the bright side, you could be living with an invalidator.
Make Some Memories Every Day…