Words of wisdom for this week.
Weekly Relationship Tips
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
~ Emerson
Chemistry. Attraction. Feeling comfortable with someone you have just met. Believing someone is your soul mate. Or, saying to another person you have only been with a short time, “it seems as if we have been together for years.” What is going on here? Why are some people attracted to others instantaneously while they are repelled or rejected by others almost just as quickly? There are a number of reasons and clues to this unique behavior and individual responses to others.
1. The concept of resonance. Each of us sends out non-verbal signals that are a reflection of our inner desires, attitudes, feelings and consciousness. When we meet someone who has similar internal feelings, attitudes etc. we are attracted to them. For example positive people like to be around other positive people. They don’t like to be around whiners. They don’t resonate. Just look at the people who you like to be around. I’ll bet you have similar beliefs, goals, philosophy, background – something.
2. Each of us has an unconscious picture of our ideal mate – what they will look like, how they will act, what they will believe and so on. Many professionals call this the – Amago. It is the picture of the ideal person that can originate in our early childhood. Some professionals believe that this person often is a mirror image of either the positive or negative traits of one of our parents or care givers. In other words if one of your parents had low self-esteem your ideal mate will also have low self-esteem or high self-esteem. If one of your care givers had a happy and joyful life outlook you will look for someone who is always miserable and whining or the opposite. Confused? The Amago searches the world for a person that has traits that are either similar to or opposite from your parent or care giver. Which type of traits you attract will depend on a variety of factors, emotional needs or emotional maturity but in the end you will be attracted to your opposite or your mirror image.
3. And finally we are attracted to someone who will help us heal from our childhood wounds or someone who will make up for those traits that we lack. For example if you were emotionally abused (not dramatically) in a dysfunctional family (they are all dysfunctional in some way) and you lack feelings of self-worth you will be attracted to someone who validates who you are or helps you feel worthwhile or someone you can play that part for them.
The interesting thing to keep in mind is, that whoever you are attracted to, this attraction in the early stage of your relationship may not stand the test of time. This change in chemistry or attraction can be caused by;
One, unrealized expectations.
Two, excessive disappointment.
Three, you or your partner has changed some aspect of their life i.e. career, hobbies, interests, education or knowledge, physical appearance.
As well as many other possible reasons.
There are numerous constantly changing dynamics in every relationship. Initial attraction is important for the continuation of the human race, but so is the maturing, growing together and understanding and accepting the eventual changes that will take place in both people in the relationship as well as the relationship itself.
So what do we do with this chemistry? We can keep our antenna up or we can hibernate. We can honor the attraction and do nothing with it or we can recognize that it is present and give it energy. We can accept the fact that there are thousands maybe even millions of people in this world who we will be attracted to or will be attracted to us. But in the end this chemistry is just a tool for attraction. If it isn’t gradually replaced with an ongoing romantic mindset and appropriate loving behaviors the chemistry will be short-lived and misleading.