Words of wisdom for this week.
“The work will wait while you show a child the rainbow, but the rainbow won’t wait while you do the work.”
– Patricia Clafford
In my recent book, Corporate Disconnect I discuss the idea that there is always a separation between humans when it comes to agendas, communication, expectations and opinions. The concept of disconnect is at the heart of all misunderstanding, assumptions and relationship breakdowns. Why? Well for starters we all have our own unique mental data base that is the foundation for all of our beliefs, attitudes and life philosophy of what is right and wrong, good or bad and optional or necessary.
Take for example a simple conversation between two people. One person has an opinion or expectation that is grounded in their own mindsets and conditioned behavior and the other person also has an expectation or opinion based on their unique personal beliefs. When these two people come together in a conversation, if either or both people are stuck in their particular beliefs, you can rest assured that the outcome will be defensiveness, a circling of the wagons or the ego will take over for one or both of them.
The disconnect is an unwillingness to see, believe or accept that there is another way to view the subject or circumstances. I remember my father years ago telling me that there are always 3 sides to every story – hers, his and the truth somewhere in the middle.
I am not a relationship guru (just ask a few of the women I have had relationships with during my life) but I can tell you that I believe that relationship disconnect is at the heart of all relationship challenges that do not have favorable outcomes. And why is this? Arrogance? Ego? DNA? Who knows. What we do know is that couples who get involved in some form of counseling sooner or later must address the areas of their relationship that have disconnect in some way. If you believe that you have a disconnect anywhere in your relationship consider the following:
- Everyone is entitled to their life outlook regardless of whether we agree with it or like it.
- All humans are all a work in progress. Are you willing to accept your partner and his or her traits with compassion and unconditional acceptance?
- Is your vocabulary riddled with words like – you should, you need to, you never, you always etc?
- Can you discuss difficult subjects and remain neutral?
- Do you feel you are right most of the time?
- Are your assumptions based on your attitudes that there is only a right and wrong way?
- Do you ever invalidate your partner directly or indirectly?
- Do difficult discussions end without closure?
- Would you rather be happy or right?
- Are you willing to see things from your partner’s viewpoint?
If you want to reduce the negative impact on any disconnect in your relationship you might want to consider your; agendas, communication style, response to conflict or disagreement, your expectations, your need to be right, your desire to control or any other behavior that sends the subtle message that your partner needs to change according to your beliefs, standards or opinions.