Words of wisdom for this week.
“Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can’t build on it; it is good only for wallowing.”
– Katherine Mansfield
When girl meets boy, and they begin a new relationship with each other they tend to look at their partner through a telescope. They only see the qualities, traits, habits and behavior that they want to see. For whatever reason they fail to observe early signals regarding those qualities and behavior that they either don’t like or want to see.
When love is failing the same boy and girl tend to see each other through a microscope, micro-managing every trait, attitude, quality or behavior. It is almost as if they are looking for stuff not to like.
This simple illustration, both the relationships that are beginning and those that are failing will repeat themselves millions of times today.
Why do people fail to see the other person clearly in a new relationship and why do we lose tolerance of even the simplest behavior in a relationship that is in trouble?
There are three simple concepts that impact all relationships. They are: People only change when they feel a need to do so. People are always changing. Relationships are dynamic and evolving. Most people in a new relationship put their best foot forward. They want to make a favorable impression on the other person. However sooner or later the masks come off and the REAL person will show themselves.
This often happens early in a relationship giving the other person a quick glimpse into who the other person really is. In order to not feel as you have been broad-sided by new behavior by the other person it is critical that you observe carefully both what is said and what is not, what the person does as well as what they don’t do and how they behave as well as how they don’t behave.
There are always clues. Not to see them or to see them and hope they are only temporary is to be naïve. To believe they will change them with time is to live in fantasy land. One of the best recommendations I can make in any new relationship is to pay attention to early signals both the ones given and the ones that are there that you for whatever reason don’t want to see.
We are all capable of changing behavior but we don’t do it because our partner wants us to or thinks we should. We change when we are ready and not before. To believe that your partner will change according to your wishes is to assume that your behavior, attitudes, life outlook or whatever is either right or better than theirs. There is no such thing as right or wrong behavior. There is only different behavior, attitudes, feelings and so on. Everyone is entitled to their personal life view. Just because it differs from yours doesn’t either of you right or wrong. The key to enduring relationships is not being with someone who is just like you, is willing to change or adapt but where people can successfully manage their differences.