“Fear is the mother of foresight.”
~Taylor
The ability to build long term successful relationships requires many skills such as:
– effective communication
– patience
– acceptance
– tolerance
– commitment
and too many more to list.
One of the critical ones, in my opinion, is the ability to be aware of how you filter information (words, non-verbal communication, emotions and feelings) from your partner, and then monitor your reactions or responses to ensure integrity of understanding. One of the things that often gets in the way of this accurate monitoring process is what I call ‘inner battles’ or self-conversations/stories. What do I mean by this?
It is the process of creating ‘inner stories/scenarios’ in your mind as a result of something your partner:
-did
-didn’t do
-said
-didn’t say
-you wish they would have said
-you wish they would have done
-you wish they hadn’t said
-you wish they hadn’t done
For example, your partner – for whatever reason – is preoccupied with some of their ‘own emotional or mental stuff’ while you are talking with them. As a result, you make the assumption that they are not interested, don’t care or are not listening. As a result, you go off on an inner, silent mental tirade creating a story that may have no relevance whatsoever to what your partner was thinking or not thinking. My personal experience is that most of my inner ‘stories’ were less than positive and that they contributed negatively to the responses from my partner ultimately causing misunderstandings, confusion, arguments, etc.
Why did I persist in this behavior? Why did I create these negative inner scenarios that ultimately did not add a positive dynamic to the relationship? I am beginning to understand that this process could have been due to my insecurity, low self-esteem, need for approval, or a myriad of other reasons. If you never go through this inner process or fight these inner battles, I salute you. However, could your partner be guilty of this process? Is he/she holding you accountable for outcomes to their inner stories that they are creating that you are not even aware of?
Communication in relationships is never easy for a variety of reasons. There are so many factors both internal and external that contribute to our interpretations, attitudes, reactions, beliefs – this list can get really long – The answer is the more you can share the truth openly the better chance you have of avoiding these lingering internal battles, conflict, unsatisfied expectations and disappointment.
In His service, Tim