Words of wisdom for this week.
“Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.”
– Roosevelt
Every relationship has a degree of hidden agendas. Stuff that you don’t share because you want to avoid conflict, don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings or just don’t want them to know what you are really thinking or feeling. People don’t always say what they mean or are feeling. They hide their true attitudes, responses or issues. In a sense they stuff what is really going on inside them. Why?
If a relationship isn’t emotionally safe and you can’t share what is really going on inside you will edit your message verbally and increase your stress and the relationship tension. You won’t be able to hide it non-verbally but you will use words that avoid dealing with the real issues, fears, desires or concerns.
Whether in a business or a personal relationship too much hidden agenda is a sign that the relationship is in trouble. If the things that you can talk about that are difficult are increasing, the relationship is probably getting better and the opposite is also true – if the ability or willingness to discuss the things that are difficult are increasing the relationship is most likely getting worse. Relationships are either getting better or getting worse. They are dynamic, they can’t just sit there idle.
Why would you want to get rid of some of your hidden agendas? They will kill you. One of the major causes of stress is stuffing feelings that need to be expressed so you don’t carry them around in your head all day every day.
I have seen hidden agendas in the business world destroy companies from the inside-out a lot faster than any outside issue or challenge.
What is a safe environment? It is an environment where you can be perfectly honest without fear of judgment, ridicule, criticism or later retribution. If you are fortunate to have a relationship that is very honest consider yourself blessed. Most relationships have some areas that are avoided. This is acceptable as long as they are not critical to the long term health of the relationship.
The best policy is to get it off your chest sooner rather than later. Men tend to have more hidden agendas than women because women are generally better at expressing their feelings, needs and fears than men are. Doesn’t mean they always express them in a positive way but they do get stuff off their chest and out in the open.
If you have a lot of suppressed issues with someone you are in a relationship with, I urge you to let it go, express it, deal with it and if you can’t, walk away from the relationship before it becomes too destructive on you well being, self-esteem, happiness and inner peace.