Words of wisdom for this week.
“Happy is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gets understanding.”
~ Proverbs 3:13
Communication in relationships is and always has been one of the biggest challenges to maintain harmonious, validating and nurturing circumstances. Whenever you put two people together in a relationship, they each bring different values, beliefs, expectations, history, education, agendas, goals, personality style, communication style, feelings, life outlook and old baggage to each of life’s circumstances that are natural as the months and years pass. It is difficult at best to communicate effectively with another person even without all of these unique and personal differences and agendas. The key to better communication in a relationship is recognizing and accepting these differences with respect and understanding and the willingness to be flexible and non-judgmental of the other person’s views, opinions or communication style. Granted this is not always an easy or even possible task given our egos and personal needs, expectations and desires.
There are many causes of poor communication in relationships. Let’s look at just three.
1) Almost always the root of communication difficulty can be found in any one of the previous areas listed above. I recommend – before you look at your partner for some of the causes of your communication problems – that you look in the mirror. Scary thought? Possibly. Necessary? YES, if you want to begin to make progress improving communication with someone.
This first step in improving communication with another person is to look inward rather than outward for the cause of your communication difficulties, conflict or misunderstanding. Since we all tend to “fall in love” with our own stuff; emotions, behaviors, attitudes, expectations etc, this is usually not an easy undertaking. Most of us are doing the best we can with what we have at our disposal at the present time. Remember, when you judge another person that is saying more about who you are rather than who they are. You are defining your own prejudices and opinions when you choose to see a problem with another person as only their fault.
2) The second cause of communication problems is projection, seeing the other person’s issues, faults, problems, fears, needs, etc. as theirs, when often they are really yours in disguise. We tend to criticize in others those things we do, but are not willing to see or admit.
3) Personal agendas. Everyone has them. These our unique needs or desire that we expect to be satisfied outside of ourselves rather than within. Hidden agendas often remain beneath the surface during and communication exchange as we want to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings or avoid a conflict. The simple question – do you like this outfit can be the beginning of a difficult conversation. It can lead to a “no-win situation if either or both people bring an agenda, expectations or old baggage to the process. So what are your choices? Just say yes. Say no. Have no opinion. Or some other answer just to get past this potential conflict?
Nothing in communication is ever easy as everyone brings their perceptions and expectations to every exchange. The answer? Stay in the present. Let go of expectations and judgments. Stay respectful and accept differences as ok.