Weekly Relationship Tips
“I expect to pass through this life but once. If therefore there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not deter or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again.”
~ William Penn
What is an anchor? And I am not referring to the nautical term for you non-sailors. It is a psychological process or technique for grounding yourself with a memory either positive or negative that reminds you of how you felt, what you did or what you believed when the anchor is thought of, touched, or focused on. Let me give you a positive and negative illustration of how an anchor can be used.
Positive: You were in the courting stage of your current relationship and your significant other held your hand and squeezed it in a certain way whenever he or she did or said something loving. As a result you began to associate the squeeze with the positive loving behavior. Years later, to experience the same positive thoughts, would not require any words just a simple squeeze of your hand and it would bring your consciousness back to the positive feelings you once experienced.
Negative: You have just had a terrible argument with your spouse. As they are screaming at the top of their lungs berating you for every conceivable offense they slap your hand to vent their frustration. (They are not the violent type and the purpose of the slap is more symbolic than to inflict pain) The argument ends. You are back to being friends once again but whenever your beloved slaps your hand even if it was meant to be a loving gesture would tend to bring you back to the negative feelings you had when you were having your heated argument.
In both cases you have created a psychological anchor for your consciousness or thinking. The key in positive relationships is to develop as many positive anchors and as few negative anchors as possible.
- Why not look at the behavior of your partner and see if you can determine where and if you have created positive or negative anchors. Discuss them with each other and see if you determine their cause or origin.
- See if you can identify all of your negative anchors and their cause. Can you replace the negative ones with positive ones. In other words see if you can give the negative anchor a new positive meaning or twist.
- Next see how many new positive anchors you can create to keep you, your partner and your relationship grounded in the positive rather than the negative.
- Make a game out of creating positive anchors.
- When you feel yourself falling into a behavior or feeling due primarily to the anchor and not what is happening in the present moment, stop and discuss it with your partner.
- Learn to get out of auto-pilot. Staying focused in the present is one of the most positive things you can do in any relationship. Learning to let go of what happened last year or yesterday can go a long way in helping you create a loving and open relationship.
- If you find yourself slipping into past behaviors that contribute to negative anchors keep asking yourself, why.
- Give your partner permission, without retribution, to give you feedback whenever you use a negative anchor.