One of the hardest things for people to do in relationships is to compromise their needs, expectations, wants, desires, values and beliefs.\u00a0 I am not suggesting that any of these are wrong or need to change.\u00a0 I am suggesting however, that if your unwillingness to be flexible with any of them \u2013 other than those that are entrenched in your DNA \u2013 you will experience a great deal of frustration, anxiety, stress, resentment and even anger in your relationships with others.<\/p>\n
When you and your partner disagree and end up in a conflict I would recommend that you first look at what opinions, expectations, needs etc. that you are bringing to the table rather than what he or she said.\u00a0 It is always easier to point the finger at someone else and say:<\/p>\n
– You are wrong
\n– You need to change
\n– I am right
\n– My way is better
\n– I don\u2019t need to change
\n– You just don’t understand<\/p>\n
Everyone has personal emotional blind spots.\u00a0 These are areas where you believe or feel that you are right or your way is better.\u00a0 Since you are often not accurately in touch with them, often your partner will unconsciously act as a mirror because he or she doesn\u2019t have the same blind spots as you \u2013 but they do have their own as well.<\/p>\n
When there is a conflict in your relationship the first thing you might want to consider is look inside rather than outside for how your beliefs, expectations, attitudes or values are contributing to the conflict.\u00a0 For most people this is a very difficult first step because they tend to take ownership of their own opinions and expectations. Therefore their first reaction is to look outward toward their partner for the cause of the problem.<\/p>\n
The second thing is to ask yourself a question, \u201cWhat is my partner seeing in me that I can\u2019t – relative to my own beliefs, values, attitudes etc.<\/p>\n
The next thing is to ask yourself, \u201cAm I willing to be flexible or compromise in this expectation, value, opinion etc?”\u00a0 If you aren\u2019t and he or she isn\u2019t the conflict will tend to continue.\u00a0 If both of you are willing to look inside first and then evaluate your inside stuff with integrity it will give you the opportunity to take your relationship to a new and deeper level of understanding and love.<\/p>\n
No one likes to let go of an expectation, belief, value, opinion or attitude that they believe is right. No one likes to give ground unless they are pushed into a corner.\u00a0 Most people get emotionally defensive when asked to change.\u00a0 There are many ways to approach these changes, but one way for sure that will guarantee a lack of success is to invalidate your partner in the process.\u00a0 You invalidate them when you say or imply that they are wrong and you are right or they need to change implying that they are not OK the way they are.<\/p>\n
I would suggest that each of you make a list of those topics or relationship issues where you currently have differences and spend some time discussing each other\u2019s list.\u00a0 Remember \u2013 stay neutral.\u00a0 Just listen.\u00a0 At this point it is not about change but understanding.\u00a0 It is about growing not digging in your heels.\u00a0 If you can get past this step with success you are well on your way to understanding that compromise is not a loss of self-esteem but progress towards a more fulfilling and less confrontation relationship.<\/p>\n
In His service, Tim<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
One of the hardest things for people to do in relationships is to compromise their needs, expectations, wants, desires, values and beliefs.\u00a0 I am not suggesting that any of these are wrong or need to change.\u00a0 I am suggesting however, that if your unwillingness to be flexible with any of them \u2013 other than those …<\/p>\n